I'd Rather be Golfing

Golf bar crawl 2010

This Thursday I am thankful for my new golf clubs. The Mr. got me golf clubs for my birthday and we have been getting some use out of them the last few weeks. The other day's rant about our finances was just a short moment in time on that one day. Most of the time I don't feel so overwhelmed, so don't worry! Today I am thankful for the time the Mr. and I get to spend together on the golf course. When we're golfing together we are encouraging each other, cheering for each other, teaching and learning. This time is also nice because we are doing something together that doesn't involve the TV or the computer; something active. I also cherish this time because we are outside enjoying the sun, lake, trees, and nature in general. So today I am thankful for golf clubs, because they are so much more than they were ever intended to be.

Today was also my first time visiting the South Shore Cultural Center in Chicago. This Chicago landmark is also listed in the National Register and is absolutely beautiful. It needs a bit more care, but it is still such a cool place in the city that many people probably have never even seen. There is a municipal golf course on its grounds and is very affordable to play. You should check it out if you ever have the chance!

On Mawwage, Part V

A long time ago I read a review for this book: One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding and it looked kinda provocative. From what I can tell, the author is a bit cynical about weddings, perhaps it's somewhat appropriate. It talks about how the $161 billion wedding industry is convincing brides they need to have a minimum $30k wedding. The author seems to feel that both brides (or bridezillas) and weddings are out of control with the save the dates, invites, extensive gift registries, showers, bach/bachelorette parties, luncheons, rehearsal dinner, plated and open bar reception, favors, flowers, matching hair and shoes, honeymoon, and the list goes on. When I think about it, she does have a point. Many have been brainwashed to believe they are entitled to this type of wedding and will stop at nothing to get their one perfect day.

But I think weddings are so much fun. I think marriage is sacred, after all, it's one of the sacraments. Sometimes it's true though, out of no where weddings take on a life of their own. We've all seen it. People get stressed, feelings get hurt, and lots of money gets spent (or wasted, depending on how you see it). I know I want to get married. I am not sure if I want a big to do wedding. Some days I think seven bridesmaids; all aunts, uncles, cousins; friends from California, Michigan, Chicago, filet mignon and open bar. Other days I think a small ceremony under a big willow tree would be better. I do know that when my day does come, I want to maintain some sort of outside perspective and remain grounded. Hopefully we remember Teyber and successfully transfer loyalties from our parents to each other. I think we're almost there.

And...I can't end Mawwage week without making a plug for marriage equality. Everyone should have the right to tie the KNOT! Visit whiteknot.org for ways to support the struggle for marriage equality. The wedding industry should start lobbying for marriage equity. Think how much more money they could be making if everyone could get married!

(I sure hope we don't break up tomorrow after this is posted! lol)

On Mawwage, Part IV

Still talking about marriage, but more about weddings. And, in case you forgot, today is Thankful Thursday! Today I am thankful for such amazing parents who have been together for 42? years. WHAT?? 42 years! I don't want to make them seem like saints; no one is perfect, but from what I can see, they are pretty much perfect. While I am sure they have had their ups and downs and disagreements I have never once heard them fight or talk to each other in a mean, degrading, unkind tone. This is something I need to work on. I also don't hear them say, "I love you" or show much affection, but that doesn't mean they don't love each other. How humbling it must be for my father to work his entire life to support his wife and children. I hate to share my hard earned money and yet, fathers around the world sign paychecks over to their wives who run the household. Saying "I love you" isn't the only way to show someone how you care for them. Every week my mom makes the same old cookies and cooks them nice and dark just how my dad likes it. She cleans and cooks and makes him be somewhat social. My dad takes on the typical socialized male role of being the main breadwinner and other duties like trash, fixing, yard maintenance, etc.

I do wish we had seen them "fight" while growing up. I think it is important for children and adolescents to have examples of respectful disagreements. It is equally important to see healthy conflict resolution modeled.

I am also thankful that they care enough to want to see me married, and happy, and secure. I am thankful they are willing to help with a wedding, should that day ever come.

So THANK YOU mom and dad for sticking together and being a great example of a loving, caring relationship. And thank you for loving all 4 of us!

Then

Now-ish

On Mawwage, Part III

What I have been trying to get at when citing Teyber's text is the importance and symbolism of the wedding. "its central purpose is to publicly mark a transition in loyalty bonds from the parents and family of origin to the new spouse." (Teyber, 2006, p. 203). Now, I am not married, and I have never had premarital counseling, so I don't know if they touch on this. I do know I never would have viewed marriage in that specific way. He goes on to describe the Christian ceremony:

"the father walks the bride down the center aisle to the front of the church...symbolically gives the bride away by placing her hand in the hand of the waiting groom...then leaves the couple by stepping back...and sitting down beside his own wife. The bride and groom, who have now been demarcated physically from the parental geneartion, turn away and step forward to be married...publicly defin[ing] themselves to family and friends as an enduring marital couple."  (Teyber, 2006, p. 204)

Pretty special when you think about it, huh? I always thought this symbolized the father saying, "She's your problem now! Good luck with her shopping habits!" 

Teyber next talks about how the before mentioned parental coalition that has gone wrong plays out in the wedding planning process. The cross-generational alliances find their way into the wedding. These loyalties that have been there since birth, so it's easy to understand why it is so difficult to transfer loyalties from parent to partner. According to Teyber, the conflict over the shift of loyalties is "played out in arguments over who will be invited to the wedding, where it will be held, how it will be conducted, who is financially responsible and so on."(p. 204). Sound familiar anyone? Who doesn't have these issues? Marriage is full of unknowns while you know what to expect from family.


Teyber, E. (2006). Interpersonal process in therapy: An integrative model. Belmont, CA: Thomson Higher Education.

On Mawwage, Part II

Let me preface this by saying these are just my thoughts, obviously, and interpretations of this book. I could read it tomorrow and have a totally different understanding of it. 

Back to Teyber's book. When I was reading for class I came to this passage and highlighted, starred, and flagged it. I am dead serious too. It really spoke to me. The passage was discussing the parental coalition, which is a fancy way of describing how parents should have a primary bond with each other and secondary bonds with their children. Issues arise when the primary bond is between the parent and a child instead of parent and parent and this will continue into the child's adult life. So all you parents out there think about that.

According to the book, the primary parental coalition develops appropriately when both people in the marriage first were able to "individuate" within their own families of origin, i.e. achieved an authentic sense of own personal identity. Teyber says when in a love relationship both people need to find a new balance of family loyalties. You have to maintain ties and responsibilities towards the previous generation (your parents) and shift primary loyalties and emotional commitment to your partner. You mama's boys out there better suck it up and tell her "no" every now and then. Pick your wife first! And ladies, when you're having a bad day and pick up the phone, call your man, not your mom.

If a both people can't overcome this developmental step then a "primary marital coalition will not develop." (p. 203) and you have a cross-generational alliance. And it gets better! (not!) this alliance is typically passed on to the child of the new couple which results in needing Teyber's help.

This is all just background information for tomorrow's post, and of course, some food for thought! 

Teyber, E. (2006). Interpersonal process in therapy: An integrative model. Belmont, CA: Thomson Higher Education.

On Mawwage, Part I

I have been meaning to blog about this for some time now and have been thinking about it since I was in my Counseling Skills class reading Interpersonal Process in Therapy by Edward Teyber. Yes, the book was expensive, yes the text was difficult to understand, and the whole aspect of "process" was difficult to grasp the first time around.

So, what have I been wanting to blog about? Mawwage, or as others not from the Princess Bride might pronounce it, marriage.

It's no secret that I have been wanting to get married for a while. There is a secret though; occasionally I think marriage is stupid and weddings are a bunch of bologna. Then other days I am dying for us to have a wedding with all our friends and family together making memories. My biggest fear is that we will blow a crapload of our parents' money on one night and turn into people we don't even like during the planning process. I have the potential to go waay overboard with details, stationary, flowers, and all things DIY. And the older I get, the more expensive taste I develop. I get scared of what a wedding might do to us, which is ridiculous becasue it should be about the mawwage!

For Your Entertainment!

Today wrapped up my first two days at the new job and I have to say I love it! I will share more about that later. Right now, I have broccoli roasting in the oven and already made Giada's potato salad for dinner. No meat again, sorry James! The salad was so-so. I didn't have the lemon zest so instead I added red wine vinegar and threw in some artichokes we had in the fridge. Not sure I'd make it again, but I wanted to use up the tomatoes.

Anyhoo, I sat down to quick blog and share this with you!!

 

Muuuahhaha!! What in the world is this you may ask? Well, let me tell you. A stranger on the EL (Red Line, what else?) took the liberty of sketching the bf on his way home from law school! How creeped out would you be if someone handed you a sketch of yourself? As soon as James showed me I asked if he tipped the guy. If you know James, you know he did not tip him. My feelings are that he shouldn't have accepted the drawing if he didn't give a tip, but how do you politely say no thank you to a drawing of yourself?

What do you think? Did the guy deserve a tip?

Makeshift Office Space

This Thursday I am thankful for our apartment. More specifically, the separate dining room that in a crunch becomes our office. When I was working full time I was lucky to have a decent sized monitor, laptop with a dock, printer, phone, headset, foot thingy, and keyboard tray. I was the  poster child for workplace ergonomics and I LOVED it. Fast forward a to 2010 and I am a year deep into a masters program, the bf in his first year of law school with no office, no keyboard tray, no foot rest, etc. Instead we have a second bedroom that barely, rarely, never gets used that I have to vigilantly protect from becoming the dumping ground. But I love the guest room. I love that it is always clean and we have a comfortable private place for our parents/guests to stay in when they visit this fabulous city.

Don't you just love my wallpaper?

So today, I am thankful to have a separate dining room that allows me to create a makeshift office when I am in the thick of a quarter that is winding down. It's not fancy; my laptop is on a vintage TV tray bought at a church sale in Winnetka, I have a non-wireless keyboard, extra monitor from undergrad that is super pixelated by today's standards, James' wireless mouse and cords going every direction to every wall outlet. I am also thankful to have a boyfriend who put's up with the mess. Come Monday at 5:30 pm this will all be over and we'll be on to winter break! Until then, the makeshift office will be my home as I finish a 20 page group counseling proposal.

First: Chicago Air & Water Show

This weekend was the Chicago Air & Water Show and we didn't go to it. According the the press 2 million people would be in attendance throughout the course of the weekend. Instead, we went to Belmont Harbor to watch the practice on Friday. The boyfriend (will be referred to as bf instead of using pronouns from this point forward) had seen the practice the day before and was really excited for me to see the Blue Angels for the first time. It was super hot outside, but we had a nice spot in the shade and there was a cool breeze coming off Lake Michigan so it was perfect! The bf said Thursday there were only two other people there, but when we went there were watching the practice. We stayed for about 2 hours and waited until the last possible minute until I had to go home to shower for work. I missed them. That is, until I was waiting for the El and they flew by! Pretty neat, but I am not sure they were worth all the hype. The bf was so excited for me to see them so I was happy to catch a glimpse, even if it was only for a second.

 

Is the Air & Water Show overrated or totally worth it?

Pros and Cons of Depending on Others (aka, Him)

It is awesome to be in a committed and caring relationship. There are many perks of living with your significant other like not eating dinner alone, getting more mail in the mailbox to be excited over, cooking for two instead of one, packing their lunch and having them bring it home empty so you know you did a good job, etc. One of the biggest perks of all is having someone around to do the tasks that I am not good at. For example, his grandparents gave us this MSU photo wall hanging for Christmas and I tried to hang it myself after many months of it sitting around in the guest room. He came home and finally noticed it, along with the two failed attempts (holes) I'd left in the bathroom. He is so thorough and precise when it comes to hanging things on the walls and while it drives me nuts when he takes so long to measure and remeasure, I have to love the time and care he puts in.

Notice the little holes right above the "S"

Among all these perks of living together there is one con that drives me bananas, waiting for him to get around to doing it. I like things done right away, which may be attributed to my being a millennial (future post on this) or being slightly OCD. For example, I saw a DIY (do it yourself) online for a dry erase board out of an old ornate picture frame. My mom and I hunted around at garage sales for a cool frame and then she remembered she had one at home. It finally made its way to Chicago and I took the picture out, replacing it with some fancy Paper Source paper that has a green flocked flower pattern. I was going to spray paint the frame a fun color but guess what! Selling spray paint in Chicago is outlawed!?! So the frame remains gold and I think I like it.

I am going to plan our weekly menus (in attempts to save money and not feel panicked at the end of the day) on this marker board and want it hung in our walk-in pantry right above my rack of aprons. P.S. I love and am obsessed with my pantry and want to hang a thrifted chandelier in. This was the main reason I didn't want to move when it came time to resign our lease! Anyways, the board has been done for weeks and is just waiting to be hung! 

Who wouldn't love this pantry?

What do you like best about living with your significant other? Find most challenging?