The Blows Just Keep Coming

Warning, this is a bummer post.

I opened the file "Wedding List" to approximate how many invitations we would be sending and the first person on the list is, yup, you guessed it, Mom. No tears were shed, but it certainly reinforced the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach; like someone knocked the wind out of me; an elephant on my chest. Now I don't even feel like tallying up the number of invitations.

I can't bring myself to delete her from the list. Whelp, there's the tears. Great. Dad's cleaning the house and purging it of all her clothes and belongings, deactivated her cell phone, had Kim remove her Facebook. Isn't her loss enough, why do things have to radically change at the house? Why so fast? Hospice had their contracted company come within a few hours after she passed to take all the equipment. In less than half a day you couldn't even tell a sick person had been living there. In less than 2 weeks you can't tell a woman had lived at the condo for 8 years, the closets and drawers empty of her makeup, hair stuff, lotion, undergarments, sweaters, purses, jackets, shoes. Everything. All the craft stuff she was working on or kept around for when the grandkids visited, her sewing machine, tea, scarves. Next it will be all the little knickknacks women are known to collect and men are known to despise. I talked with her about how I was scared it wouldn't feel like home with her gone and now I feel like my fears are turning into reality. I guess it just won't be the home I am used to...

Even though it really makes me sad that he's getting rid of her stuff I stay quiet. She was his wife, it is his house, and he is there all the time. I suppose this is just how he is dealing with his grief, and so I pretend like it doesn't hurt when he fills another huge garbage bag to bring to Goodwill. For me, it feels like another loss every time he gets rid of something.

So tonight, I am not going to delete her from our wedding list. Tonight she still get's the number one spot.

The Little Things

Instead of writing an original post for today I thought I'd just post what I shared at mom's memorial. I think it makes an excellent blog post.

When I first sat down to write this, all that came to mind were things I was going to miss about mom and the things I won’t be able to do with her like random phone calls while walking to the train and hanging up quick when it comes, knowing she won’t be offended; trying new recipes and sending her pictures of them; emailing decorating ideas for our apartment that I’ll never actually do, or that James would never go for; going to the dollar store, big lots, thrift stores, and garage sales to find that deal on something I don’t really need; hearing about her weekly visits with Taylor, Megan and Daniel; and complaining to her about problems I know how to solve myself but just want to complain about.

The hardest part for me is coming to terms with realizing my expectations for the future were in vain. My mom was supposed to be the grandma, the first call when my babies are sick, even before the doctor; the one we see once a week, at every holiday, at school and sporting events, and on warm summer weekends at the cottage. She was supposed to be the one to help us pick our first house, pick the colors, and decide where furniture should go. She was supposed to help me make wedding invitations and hand write the addresses over a glass of wine, gather crap for centerpieces, go the menu tasting with us, laugh at the horrible presents we didn’t register for but will inevitably receive, and complain about my mother-in-law to, even though I love James’ mom, but there’s bound to be something. 

Mom would hate this right now; everyone only remembering the good, as though she were perfect. Yes, she got mad at us like any parent does. But I honestly can count on one hand the number of times she ever yelled at Kim or me. As far as mothers go, she was pretty close to perfect. She was perfect for me. Now that she’s gone I regret never asking her about her parenting philosophy, but when I reflect on our relationship it’s evident in her actions. She never nagged about homework, never forced chores on us, and never asked anything except to bring whatever was on the stairs up to bedrooms each day and to eat vegetables, but somehow I turned out ok. I know there were many times I disappointed her or made her sad, but she never yelled, lectured, held a grudge, broke down, nothing; just showed unconditional love.

The lessons she has taught me are small, daily things that will stay with me forever and my own children will probably carry with them. Always be kind to others, accept people where they’re at, help when you can, clean a little each day so it doesn’t build up, don’t nag (I am really working hard on this James, I swear), sacrifice dinner and a movie so you don’t have to pay someone else to raise your kids because no one will ever do it as good as you, clean while you cook, don’t use the dishcloth on the floor and put it back in the dish tub. While there’s nothing earth shattering about these lessons, I live them every day, so each time I have dinner cleaned up before we even eat I will remember her; when I am stressed because company is coming and I am forcing myself to wash the sheets I will remember her; and when I am home raising kids feeling guilty because I should be working to help pay off our student loans and mortgage, I will remember her.

 As I’ve grown older I have come to understand there is no love like a mother’s love. Had mom left us 4 years ago, I’m not sure it would have had the same effect, but I know when I have my own children I will understand a mother’s love even more and feel her loss even more. I can’t believe how lucky and blessed I was to have her as my mother. I thank God for picking her to be my mom.

Is this Real Life?

First the good news. I have had 2 internship offers, both at nice schools close by. I am going to accept the position at the closest, plus the counseling department seems a bit more organized than the other.

Now, on to the meat and potatoes. Tomorrow morning I will wake up and drive to Michigan for my mother's memorial service. This past week has been strange. I took my bereavement days, but have been attending classes in the evenings. All of my professors are aware of the situation and have been very supportive. It is strange because I have not really felt super sad all week. Some people might not admit this to the world, but I think we're going for transparency on this blog, right? I have had sad moments, like when I was writing my piece for the memorial, or when I started thinking about how I will soon forget what my mom's voice sounded like, or how her hands felt, or her laugh. But for the most part, my days have been somewhat emotionless. Am I coldhearted? Am I not processing, grieving, or delusional? I don't know, but I'm trying to not psych myself out over it. It is very strange when people ask me, "How are you doing?" and I say, "ok" and try to squeeze out emotions that they may be expecting. I am trying to make them feel better and give them what they want. Huh? Whaat? It is the same thing with the engagement. I am really happy and excited, but right now I can't muster up the enthusiasm that people seem to expect from a newly engaged gal. I feel like I am constantly trying to fake emotions to make other people happy. What is this called? Honestly, I kind of  just want people to leave me alone. On the other hand, I wonder why some friends haven't tried to contact me and really, really appreciate those who have. So, don't take any of this to heart friends!

I do know that I am grieving, my body is telling me. I have never had so much tension in my back and shoulders. I sleep alright, feel drained sometimes, and really driven to get school work and house work done. 

I often find myself thinking, "Is this real life? Is this my life?". It is probably time to make an appointment with the counseling center at school, after all, it's only five dollars.

Hiatus No More

The blog has been on quite the hiatus, not for lack of new experiences, but in attempts for it to not become depressing and a chore to read. Although writing can be quite therapeutic and provide catharsis for many, myself included, I just haven't felt like sharing with "the world", i.e. my 9 "followers". I have been writing though, in my personal journal, on loose leaf pieces of paper, and for mom's memorial.

Here are the quick updates:

• Came back from San Clemente
• Started classes
• Sent out resumes for internship
• Got Engaged Friday, January 7, 2011
• Bought a wedding dress
• Mom passed away January 22, 2011

The more I think about it, the more I feel ready to start processing her passing, and writing. If it is too sad, or not fun for you to read, then don't. When I look at the Top 10 Reasons I Started This Blog I remember the blog is not really for other people, rather to provide self reflection and preserve memories. So, be prepared for some not always fun posts in the future.

So this Thursday, I am thankful to have some type of outlet for my own grief. I am thankful for my family and friends who are so supportive and understanding. I haven't called many of you back, because I just don't feel like talking. I'm sorry. I will soon, I promise.

On Mawwage, Part V

A long time ago I read a review for this book: One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding and it looked kinda provocative. From what I can tell, the author is a bit cynical about weddings, perhaps it's somewhat appropriate. It talks about how the $161 billion wedding industry is convincing brides they need to have a minimum $30k wedding. The author seems to feel that both brides (or bridezillas) and weddings are out of control with the save the dates, invites, extensive gift registries, showers, bach/bachelorette parties, luncheons, rehearsal dinner, plated and open bar reception, favors, flowers, matching hair and shoes, honeymoon, and the list goes on. When I think about it, she does have a point. Many have been brainwashed to believe they are entitled to this type of wedding and will stop at nothing to get their one perfect day.

But I think weddings are so much fun. I think marriage is sacred, after all, it's one of the sacraments. Sometimes it's true though, out of no where weddings take on a life of their own. We've all seen it. People get stressed, feelings get hurt, and lots of money gets spent (or wasted, depending on how you see it). I know I want to get married. I am not sure if I want a big to do wedding. Some days I think seven bridesmaids; all aunts, uncles, cousins; friends from California, Michigan, Chicago, filet mignon and open bar. Other days I think a small ceremony under a big willow tree would be better. I do know that when my day does come, I want to maintain some sort of outside perspective and remain grounded. Hopefully we remember Teyber and successfully transfer loyalties from our parents to each other. I think we're almost there.

And...I can't end Mawwage week without making a plug for marriage equality. Everyone should have the right to tie the KNOT! Visit whiteknot.org for ways to support the struggle for marriage equality. The wedding industry should start lobbying for marriage equity. Think how much more money they could be making if everyone could get married!

(I sure hope we don't break up tomorrow after this is posted! lol)

On Mawwage, Part IV

Still talking about marriage, but more about weddings. And, in case you forgot, today is Thankful Thursday! Today I am thankful for such amazing parents who have been together for 42? years. WHAT?? 42 years! I don't want to make them seem like saints; no one is perfect, but from what I can see, they are pretty much perfect. While I am sure they have had their ups and downs and disagreements I have never once heard them fight or talk to each other in a mean, degrading, unkind tone. This is something I need to work on. I also don't hear them say, "I love you" or show much affection, but that doesn't mean they don't love each other. How humbling it must be for my father to work his entire life to support his wife and children. I hate to share my hard earned money and yet, fathers around the world sign paychecks over to their wives who run the household. Saying "I love you" isn't the only way to show someone how you care for them. Every week my mom makes the same old cookies and cooks them nice and dark just how my dad likes it. She cleans and cooks and makes him be somewhat social. My dad takes on the typical socialized male role of being the main breadwinner and other duties like trash, fixing, yard maintenance, etc.

I do wish we had seen them "fight" while growing up. I think it is important for children and adolescents to have examples of respectful disagreements. It is equally important to see healthy conflict resolution modeled.

I am also thankful that they care enough to want to see me married, and happy, and secure. I am thankful they are willing to help with a wedding, should that day ever come.

So THANK YOU mom and dad for sticking together and being a great example of a loving, caring relationship. And thank you for loving all 4 of us!

Then

Now-ish

On Mawwage, Part III

What I have been trying to get at when citing Teyber's text is the importance and symbolism of the wedding. "its central purpose is to publicly mark a transition in loyalty bonds from the parents and family of origin to the new spouse." (Teyber, 2006, p. 203). Now, I am not married, and I have never had premarital counseling, so I don't know if they touch on this. I do know I never would have viewed marriage in that specific way. He goes on to describe the Christian ceremony:

"the father walks the bride down the center aisle to the front of the church...symbolically gives the bride away by placing her hand in the hand of the waiting groom...then leaves the couple by stepping back...and sitting down beside his own wife. The bride and groom, who have now been demarcated physically from the parental geneartion, turn away and step forward to be married...publicly defin[ing] themselves to family and friends as an enduring marital couple."  (Teyber, 2006, p. 204)

Pretty special when you think about it, huh? I always thought this symbolized the father saying, "She's your problem now! Good luck with her shopping habits!" 

Teyber next talks about how the before mentioned parental coalition that has gone wrong plays out in the wedding planning process. The cross-generational alliances find their way into the wedding. These loyalties that have been there since birth, so it's easy to understand why it is so difficult to transfer loyalties from parent to partner. According to Teyber, the conflict over the shift of loyalties is "played out in arguments over who will be invited to the wedding, where it will be held, how it will be conducted, who is financially responsible and so on."(p. 204). Sound familiar anyone? Who doesn't have these issues? Marriage is full of unknowns while you know what to expect from family.


Teyber, E. (2006). Interpersonal process in therapy: An integrative model. Belmont, CA: Thomson Higher Education.

On Mawwage, Part II

Let me preface this by saying these are just my thoughts, obviously, and interpretations of this book. I could read it tomorrow and have a totally different understanding of it. 

Back to Teyber's book. When I was reading for class I came to this passage and highlighted, starred, and flagged it. I am dead serious too. It really spoke to me. The passage was discussing the parental coalition, which is a fancy way of describing how parents should have a primary bond with each other and secondary bonds with their children. Issues arise when the primary bond is between the parent and a child instead of parent and parent and this will continue into the child's adult life. So all you parents out there think about that.

According to the book, the primary parental coalition develops appropriately when both people in the marriage first were able to "individuate" within their own families of origin, i.e. achieved an authentic sense of own personal identity. Teyber says when in a love relationship both people need to find a new balance of family loyalties. You have to maintain ties and responsibilities towards the previous generation (your parents) and shift primary loyalties and emotional commitment to your partner. You mama's boys out there better suck it up and tell her "no" every now and then. Pick your wife first! And ladies, when you're having a bad day and pick up the phone, call your man, not your mom.

If a both people can't overcome this developmental step then a "primary marital coalition will not develop." (p. 203) and you have a cross-generational alliance. And it gets better! (not!) this alliance is typically passed on to the child of the new couple which results in needing Teyber's help.

This is all just background information for tomorrow's post, and of course, some food for thought! 

Teyber, E. (2006). Interpersonal process in therapy: An integrative model. Belmont, CA: Thomson Higher Education.

On Mawwage, Part I

I have been meaning to blog about this for some time now and have been thinking about it since I was in my Counseling Skills class reading Interpersonal Process in Therapy by Edward Teyber. Yes, the book was expensive, yes the text was difficult to understand, and the whole aspect of "process" was difficult to grasp the first time around.

So, what have I been wanting to blog about? Mawwage, or as others not from the Princess Bride might pronounce it, marriage.

It's no secret that I have been wanting to get married for a while. There is a secret though; occasionally I think marriage is stupid and weddings are a bunch of bologna. Then other days I am dying for us to have a wedding with all our friends and family together making memories. My biggest fear is that we will blow a crapload of our parents' money on one night and turn into people we don't even like during the planning process. I have the potential to go waay overboard with details, stationary, flowers, and all things DIY. And the older I get, the more expensive taste I develop. I get scared of what a wedding might do to us, which is ridiculous becasue it should be about the mawwage!