Hmmm (Can't think of a better title)

8 months later, and I still have a moment each day where I realize my mom is no longer with us. Every damn time it stops my heart for just a moment and takes my breath away. It feels like being sucker punched, having a ton of bricks on my chest, or recovering from open heart surgery (or what I imagine it to be like after vising the Mr.'s gpa in the hospital). I wonder if this will ever end. Do I want it to? When the day comes that I don't feel this way, will I feel guilty? I suspect so.

On the other hand, I love my life and everything that is happening to and around me. Is this normal? I suspect yes.

First Cubs game of the season. They got the W.

The Blows Just Keep Coming

Warning, this is a bummer post.

I opened the file "Wedding List" to approximate how many invitations we would be sending and the first person on the list is, yup, you guessed it, Mom. No tears were shed, but it certainly reinforced the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach; like someone knocked the wind out of me; an elephant on my chest. Now I don't even feel like tallying up the number of invitations.

I can't bring myself to delete her from the list. Whelp, there's the tears. Great. Dad's cleaning the house and purging it of all her clothes and belongings, deactivated her cell phone, had Kim remove her Facebook. Isn't her loss enough, why do things have to radically change at the house? Why so fast? Hospice had their contracted company come within a few hours after she passed to take all the equipment. In less than half a day you couldn't even tell a sick person had been living there. In less than 2 weeks you can't tell a woman had lived at the condo for 8 years, the closets and drawers empty of her makeup, hair stuff, lotion, undergarments, sweaters, purses, jackets, shoes. Everything. All the craft stuff she was working on or kept around for when the grandkids visited, her sewing machine, tea, scarves. Next it will be all the little knickknacks women are known to collect and men are known to despise. I talked with her about how I was scared it wouldn't feel like home with her gone and now I feel like my fears are turning into reality. I guess it just won't be the home I am used to...

Even though it really makes me sad that he's getting rid of her stuff I stay quiet. She was his wife, it is his house, and he is there all the time. I suppose this is just how he is dealing with his grief, and so I pretend like it doesn't hurt when he fills another huge garbage bag to bring to Goodwill. For me, it feels like another loss every time he gets rid of something.

So tonight, I am not going to delete her from our wedding list. Tonight she still get's the number one spot.

The Little Things

Instead of writing an original post for today I thought I'd just post what I shared at mom's memorial. I think it makes an excellent blog post.

When I first sat down to write this, all that came to mind were things I was going to miss about mom and the things I won’t be able to do with her like random phone calls while walking to the train and hanging up quick when it comes, knowing she won’t be offended; trying new recipes and sending her pictures of them; emailing decorating ideas for our apartment that I’ll never actually do, or that James would never go for; going to the dollar store, big lots, thrift stores, and garage sales to find that deal on something I don’t really need; hearing about her weekly visits with Taylor, Megan and Daniel; and complaining to her about problems I know how to solve myself but just want to complain about.

The hardest part for me is coming to terms with realizing my expectations for the future were in vain. My mom was supposed to be the grandma, the first call when my babies are sick, even before the doctor; the one we see once a week, at every holiday, at school and sporting events, and on warm summer weekends at the cottage. She was supposed to be the one to help us pick our first house, pick the colors, and decide where furniture should go. She was supposed to help me make wedding invitations and hand write the addresses over a glass of wine, gather crap for centerpieces, go the menu tasting with us, laugh at the horrible presents we didn’t register for but will inevitably receive, and complain about my mother-in-law to, even though I love James’ mom, but there’s bound to be something. 

Mom would hate this right now; everyone only remembering the good, as though she were perfect. Yes, she got mad at us like any parent does. But I honestly can count on one hand the number of times she ever yelled at Kim or me. As far as mothers go, she was pretty close to perfect. She was perfect for me. Now that she’s gone I regret never asking her about her parenting philosophy, but when I reflect on our relationship it’s evident in her actions. She never nagged about homework, never forced chores on us, and never asked anything except to bring whatever was on the stairs up to bedrooms each day and to eat vegetables, but somehow I turned out ok. I know there were many times I disappointed her or made her sad, but she never yelled, lectured, held a grudge, broke down, nothing; just showed unconditional love.

The lessons she has taught me are small, daily things that will stay with me forever and my own children will probably carry with them. Always be kind to others, accept people where they’re at, help when you can, clean a little each day so it doesn’t build up, don’t nag (I am really working hard on this James, I swear), sacrifice dinner and a movie so you don’t have to pay someone else to raise your kids because no one will ever do it as good as you, clean while you cook, don’t use the dishcloth on the floor and put it back in the dish tub. While there’s nothing earth shattering about these lessons, I live them every day, so each time I have dinner cleaned up before we even eat I will remember her; when I am stressed because company is coming and I am forcing myself to wash the sheets I will remember her; and when I am home raising kids feeling guilty because I should be working to help pay off our student loans and mortgage, I will remember her.

 As I’ve grown older I have come to understand there is no love like a mother’s love. Had mom left us 4 years ago, I’m not sure it would have had the same effect, but I know when I have my own children I will understand a mother’s love even more and feel her loss even more. I can’t believe how lucky and blessed I was to have her as my mother. I thank God for picking her to be my mom.

Bamboozled by Health Care

Bamboozled:  
–verb (used with object) 1. to deceive or get the better of (someone) by trickery, flattery, or the like; humbug; hoodwink (often fol. by into)
—Synonyms
1.  gyp, dupe, trick, cheat, swindle.  
 
It's so easy for all you people out there with good jobs and cheap health insurance to hate on the idea of universal health care. Well let me tell you, have a little empathy!

We don't have employee health insurance so we pay almost $500 each a quarter for Aetna Student health. Since I finally paid for it I thought it was far time to have a physical. I just got a "this is not a bill" bill that says I owe almost $400!!! Excuse me? Apparently there is a $300 deductible and routine tests, immunizations or exams are not covered. Why the beep do I have this insurance then?

What really gets me is that doctors never give you an itemized list of what they're going to do to you and how much it is going to cost with your health insurance before they do it. If they told me getting blood drawn and lab work was going to be $150 out of pocket would I have stuck my arm out for them to put a needle in me? Heck no!

How is the medical field the one place where it is acceptable to deliver services to someone without telling them how much it is going to cost and giving the choice to opt out? How is that ok? How is there not legislation about that? When you go out to eat you order off a menu and can see the price and pick accordingly. At the end they don't bring you a bill for $150 for the bread and water they assumed you wanted and put on the table without asking.

I was trying to do the right thing by buying the student health insurance instead of going to a community health clinic and leaching off social services. I am pretty sure I could have gotten a physical and pap smear at a women health clinic for less than $900!!!! I am pretty highly educated compared to the rest of the US population. If I can't navigate insurance, doctors, bills, etc. how can those with a middle school education? How can those who aren't employed, have families, and poor health access health care? If they don't have the personal resources to receive proper care until it's an emergency how can we blame them for driving up the cost of health care for everyone. Why isn't preventative care covered by my $1,800/year policy?!

I'm not asking for anything for free. I'm not saying poor people should have free health care. I do think that health care should be transparent. Health care should be accessible. The system should not be so confusing, frustrating, such a hostile place that even a person with a near masters degree feels completely bamboozled. 

To top off the whole thing, I was told I needed a physical for the new job and when I went to have my paperwork processed I didn't need it after all. Now I have real health insurance and won't need another physical til next year, right about when I'm not working for CPS anymore and will be right back in the same place. One thing is for sure, I will not be purchasing the worthless Aetna Student Health. You can find me at Chicago Women's Health Center.

If, heaven forbid, I lose rolling the dice and get deathly ill, let me die and when I die put this blog post in the paper instead of an obituary.

Healthcare Woes

After going a year without health insurance I decided to quit being foolish and just pay up for the school plan. Ugh!! I sure took my health insurance for granted when I was working for the University of California. Man, do I not want to pay for it. I guess $2,000 isn't so bad considering the cost if I were to get really sick or hurt, but this is sure hurting my checking account! Can I get some health care handouts please?

I was one month away from my yearly physical when I left my old job, so I have gone 2 years without seeing a doctor. I hope everything is fine! What I'm more nervous about is the fact that I haven't seen a dentist for a year. Last time I didn't go for a year and a half and ended up with 11 cavities (I don't remember the real number but it was something crazy like that). I think that dentist was very aggressive though, I hope this time around it doesn't cost me $600!

Do any of you in the Chicago area love your doctor and/or dentist? When I lived in California I changed doctors every year because I just wasn't thrilled with them and didn't know anyone to ask for recommendations. I really liked my old doctor in Grand Rapids and am dreading finding one here. The most important thing I need to know is if your doctor/dentist has a really nice office. I judge health care providers by their offices. If the office is dingy I ain't going there!

How was your experience finding a new doctor or dentist in a new city?