Let me preface this by saying these are just my thoughts, obviously, and interpretations of this book. I could read it tomorrow and have a totally different understanding of it. Back to Teyber's book. When I was reading for class I came to this passage and highlighted, starred, and flagged it. I am dead serious too. It really spoke to me. The passage was discussing the parental coalition, which is a fancy way of describing how parents should have a primary bond with each other and secondary bonds with their children. Issues arise when the primary bond is between the parent and a child instead of parent and parent and this will continue into the child's adult life. So all you parents out there think about that.
According to the book, the primary parental coalition develops appropriately when both people in the marriage first were able to "individuate" within their own families of origin, i.e. achieved an authentic sense of own personal identity. Teyber says when in a love relationship both people need to find a new balance of family loyalties. You have to maintain ties and responsibilities towards the previous generation (your parents) and shift primary loyalties and emotional commitment to your partner. You mama's boys out there better suck it up and tell her "no" every now and then. Pick your wife first! And ladies, when you're having a bad day and pick up the phone, call your man, not your mom.
If a both people can't overcome this developmental step then a "primary marital coalition will not develop." (p. 203) and you have a cross-generational alliance. And it gets better! (not!) this alliance is typically passed on to the child of the new couple which results in needing Teyber's help.
This is all just background information for tomorrow's post, and of course, some food for thought!
Teyber, E. (2006). Interpersonal process in therapy: An integrative model. Belmont, CA: Thomson Higher Education.
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